Information and Support for Termination for Abnormal Medical Diagnosis

Questions You May Have

  • How long will my baby survive after being delivered?

    How will my baby seem once he/she is born?

    Will my baby need surgery after delivery?

    What are the risks of this surgery?

    What surgeries and interventions could we expect the child to need as he grows?

    Once he/she is born, will we have a say in how much medical intervention will occur?

    What resources can I access to support me in this decision?

    What resources can I access to support me with a special needs child?

    Are there any support groups?

    If my baby will not survive long after birth:

    Can I spend time with my baby?

    What ways can we commemorate my baby?

    Are we able to have a funeral for my baby?

  • Can someone stay with me during the termination?

    What procedures are used to terminate the pregnancy?

    Do I have a choice of which procedure to use?

    What will these procedures feel like?

    What can I expect during the process of termination?

    Will I be able to spend time with my baby afterwards?

    How will my baby seem after delivery?

    What ways can we commemorate my baby?

    Are we able to have a funeral for my baby?

    Will we receive a birth and death certificate for our baby?

  • Does your clinic conduct terminations within my stage of pregnancy?

    Does your clinic conduct terminations for women with a diagnosis of fetal abnormalities often? How often?

    Do you have a separate area for me to wait and recover?

    What will happen to my baby after the procedure?

What to Expect After a Termination of Pregnancy

There are a number of things you may experience after a termination, and sometimes it helps to know what is normal, and when it’s necessary to be concerned. Here are some of the more common things women may experience.

  • You will experience some bleeding for approximately 7-14 days after the termination. This is normal. If the bleeding becomes very heavy, you have a temperature, or have painful cramping, then you should contact the hospital you received treatment from, or your GP. Tampons should not be used during this time, but can be used again during your next period.

    You may also experience some pain following the termination. If your pain is not relieved by over the counter painkillers (Ibuprofen or paracetamol), is combined with a fever or seems to be getting worse, then it is important to contact the hospital you received treatment from, or your GP.

  • Depending on how far along you were in your pregnancy, you may experience sore breasts due to milk production, or even leakage of milk from your breasts. Placing a cool cloth on them can provide you some relief from discomfort. Paracetamol can also be helpful in relieving any pain. If the discomfort is persistent, or gets worse, then you should seek advice from your doctor.

  • You will have been through a very difficult experience, and you may experience a wide range of emotions following your termination. These can include emotions such as sadness, grief, anger, guilt, relief, or numbness. It is important to remember that these are all normal emotions, and that it is ok to talk about them. While your partner, family and friends may be a good source of support, it is important to know that you can see professional support if you feel like you are struggling. Please see the pages on grief, and the list of professional contacts for further information.

Grief

Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone, or something, that we care about. Although grief is very individual in how it looks and feels, some people experience grief as feelings of sadness, a sense of numbness, anger, anxiousness, being overwhelmed, or even relief. It is important to remember that there is no one way to grieve, or experience grief, and that it is perfectly normal to respond with emotions that you weren’t necessarily expecting.

Sometimes grief can also show up in how you’re feeling physically. You may find yourself feeling nauseous, or experiencing more headaches than usual. You may also find that your sleep is disrupted, or that you lose your appetite. If you are experiencing problems with sleep or eating well, then please feel free to access our coping strategies on these subjects.

Some people who experience the ending of a pregnancy due to fetal abnormality have a partner or family around them who are also grieving. Despite this you can still feel very isolated and alone in your grief. This too is normal. People have their own ways of grieving, and it’s important to respect each other’s grief process, and to comfort and give each other space as needed. It’s also important to try and share how you’re feeling, even if you feel people won’t understand. Support groups and forums can be very helpful in this sense.

Remember that there is no timeframe during which your grief should ease. This is an individual process, and if you find yourself struggling months or years later, it is okay to speak up and let people know.

When it becomes something more – Depression

Grief and depression can often look alike. However, grief often begins to improve over time, whereas depression is more persistent in nature. If you find that your feelings are not improving at all over time, and are interfering with your day to day life, or if you feel like you are finding day to day life a struggle as time goes on, it is important to seek help from your GP or a psychologist.

Beyond Blue provides a checklist for helping you decide whether a visit to your GP or a Psychologist may be beneficial. It can be accessed here. While this checklist does not tell you whether you have anxiety or depression, it can be used as a guide for deciding if you may benefit from some professional help with your grief.

Anniversary Grief

Grief about the loss of your pregnancy can take time to ease, and everybody can experience this differently. There is not timeline for how your grief should look, or how long it takes for you to process. While you may start to feel that your grief is easing over time, there are times where your grief may be triggered, and you may feel a wave of stronger grief again. These times can include anniversaries of the loss of your baby. You may find that that the anniversary of the day you ended the pregnancy, the date that your baby was due, dates that you found out you were pregnant, days like Mother’s or Father’s Day, or others you may not have expected.

While it can feel like your grief is renewed, and this can be a difficult time, there are some ways you can prepare for anniversaries, and ways that you can support yourself during this time to make it easier.

  • Remember that the time around the anniversary may not feel as you expect it to. That’s ok.

    You may like to make plans to spend time with people who care about you, or to organise an event (big or small) to remember your baby.

    Make sure that you have support in place to access if you feel overwhelmed. This may be friends and family, or your GP, counsellor or Psychologist.

    You may like to prepare meals ahead of time, so that if you don’t have a lot of energy, you can easily make sure that you’re eating well and looking after yourself.

  • Importantly, try not to set expectations about how you should be feeling on the anniversary. You may feel that your grief gets worse for a little while, or you may feel numb, angry, or nothing at all. You may cry, or feel agitated, or experience physical symptoms of grief like disrupted sleep, tiredness or lack of appetite. Allow yourself to feel whatever feels natural for you. This is the best way to allow the process to occur.

    Spend time with family and friends who support you in your grief, and who allow you to feel the loss freely. If you have support in the form of a support group or church, you may like to be around these people on the anniversary.

    You might like to establish rituals as ways of remembering your baby that you can do every year. You could spend time with family and close friends who would like to remember your baby with you, or spend time on your own or with your partner if that is what you need. Rituals may be something that you have seen someone else doing, or it may be something that is special to you. You may find it helpful to tend a memorial garden, or to release balloons. You may like to light a candle for your little one, or visit the cemetery or location of ashes if there is one. You may not want to establish a ritual at all, and you may find that distracting yourself with something different altogether can ease your grief. There are no rules about how you should remember your baby, or how you should approach the anniversary.

    Ask for help when you feel you need it: whether it be from friends or family, your GP, or a counsellor or Psychologist. It’s ok to reach out when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Guilt

After making the difficult decision to end a pregnancy after a diagnosis of fetal abnormality, people report experiencing a whole range of emotional responses. There is no right or wrong way to feel following an experience like this one, but many people feel intensely guilty about the decision to end the pregnancy, although others do not. Each person’s emotional responses are as different and individual as the person themselves.

A diagnosis of fetal abnormality is a uniquely painful pregnancy experience.  At the same time as experiencing the loss of a wanted healthy baby, parents find themselves struggling with the responsibility of being expected to make a decision about whether or not to end the pregnancy. This can lead to a feeling of guilt about the decision they have made, and interfere with their ability to grieve the loss of their baby.

Ways of coping with guilt

Making a decision to either continue with a pregnancy, or end a pregnancy, is very difficult. If you do feel guilty over your decision to end the pregnancy, then there are some strategies you can use to help you cope with it.

Words such as “should”, “could have”, or “what if” are thoughts that we all have from time to time. However, when we really focus on these types of thoughts, they can snowball and become an unhelpful and destructive habit. This can eventually effect your overall mood in really destructive and negative ways.

If you find yourself thinking "what if" or "I should/could have", it can be helpful to try to challenge the thoughts. 

You can look at the evidence about the thoughts (remember evidence means FACTS, not just worries): 

  • Is there really any evidence that what I am thinking is right or true?

  • Are thoughts other, more positive or helpful that you have overlooked?​

You can then actively dispute the unhelpful thoughts by asking:

  • How else could this situation be viewed?

  • What is the likelihood that it may have happened that way?

  • Is it helpful for me to think this way?

  • How might somebody else look at the same situation?

  • What would I say to my best friend if she was in this situation and thinking these things?

Now that you've asked yourself these questions, and found some more balanced answers the answers, is there another way that you could rephrase this thought? Try and write down some different ways of phrasing the thought in a more helpful or compassionate way. 

You might like to try and do this activity whenever unhelpful thoughts come along. Over time it will become more and more natural for you to identify unhelpful thoughts when they arrive, and to change them to make them more helpful.  Don't be surprised if it takes a little while to build the habit of disrupting unhelpful or negative thoughts - this is a new habit and takes practice.

With time, you will learn to manage destructive thoughts far more healthily.  Eventually, when negative thoughts arrive, you will be aware of them them without accepting them, or following them down the rabbit hole of a negative thought process. We all have negative thoughts like these sometimes, but you can choose to not give them more attention than they deserve. Think about the thoughts and feelings you’ve had in the past that you chose not to act on, or believe. You can choose to do that here too.

You have made the decision that felt the best for you, your baby and your situation at the time. At the time, there were no ‘perfect’ options, and you did the best you could with a difficult situation.

When grief becomes a concern

While the anniversary can stir up feelings of grief, it often begins to improve again over time. If you find that your feelings are not improving over time, and are interfering with your day to day life, or if you feel like you are finding day to day life a struggle as time goes on, it is important to seek help from your GP or a psychologist.

Coping Strategies

During this difficult time, you may find that you need a little extra help with coping. Sometimes things that are usually very easy for you become difficult during a time of grieving. The pages below provide some simple coping strategies that you can do on your own, or with your partner. These may also be strategies that a psychologist or counsellor might do with you if you are seeing one. If you find that you are still struggling, it may be a good time to see your GP, or to access a psychologist or counsellor.

For some coping strategies around eating well and exercising during this time, click here.

For some coping strategies around sleep during this time, click here.

For Partners and Family

  • “I’m here for you”.

    “Do you need to talk?”

    “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

    “I’m thinking of you.”

    “Do you need a hug?”

    “I am going to the supermarket. Do you need any X/Y/Z?”

    “How are you doing?”

    Sometimes saying nothing at all, and a simple hug or sitting with them can be very comforting.

  • Remember that people grieve differently, and that you may not grieve in the same way as your partner. Try to respect each other’s process, and be there for each other in the different ways that you need.

    Remember that just being there goes a long way in supporting someone who is grieving. It sounds simple, but it is very effective.

    Try not to rush back to work and your usual routine. This is an adjustment you are both going through, and taking some bereavement leave can allow you to grieve and to be there for your partner.

    Take friends and family up on their offers of help. It can be tempting to try and manage on your own, but this help can free you up to support your partner, and rest yourself as you grieve.

    Sleep may be disrupted for your partner as she adjusts to what her body is going through, and in her grief.

    Your partner may lose her appetite during this period of grief, and adjustment. Making sure she heats regularly can be a practical way you can help her. Prepare some meals that you know she usually likes.

    There can a degree of pain after the process, the degree of which will vary from woman to woman. Making sure she takes pain relief (paracetamol or ibuprofen, or pain relief prescribed by her doctor), at the times she is available can be a help. Ask her if she is comfortable, or whether she would like some pain relief.

    Similarly, a heat pack or hot water bottle can be effective at reducing pain in the stomach area, and can also provide comfort.

Helpful Links and Resources

The Glimmer Project

www.theglimmerproject.com

“Supporting women and their families who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, TFMR, or neonatal loss. Find hope, light, and connection. Join the Glimmer Online 3 Week Program. Learn from baby-loss experts on The Glimmer Podcast.”

Through the Unexpected

https://throughtheunexpected.org.au/

“Through the Unexpected works to protect the mental wellbeing of people who receive unexpected news regarding the health, development or genetics of their unborn baby.We advocate for reduced systemic silence, stigma and shame surrounding this experience. We aim to ensure people are empowered with high quality, impartial information to make informed choices and are supported for as long as required.”